Friday, August 12, 2011

Forgiveness Part 1

This is the first post that I have not pre-written, read ahead, edited, and then wrote again.  I am typing this one, right here in the blogger window, so please bear with me; grammar, misspellings, and all.

I have come to the conclusion that for Stella (my 2-1/2 year old daughter) to be fully whole, then her dad must be fully whole as well.

I know that I am an amazing father and that I provide way more to Stella than most dad's could even hope to provide.  But . . . I still realize that I have forgiveness issues and that Stella will ultimately suffer from the issues that good ole dad has.

So . . . it is with every effort that I have from this moment going forward that I resolve the broken relationships in my life.

Like with my father that robbed a bank when I was 14 years old and spent over 23 years in prison; me never receiving a card or an apology for the wrecked life that I was facing.

For the aunt that took the oath of Godmother but yet turned her back on me when the shit really got bad, only to try to reform a relationship with me 23 frigging years later . . . after her good ole brother was released from prison.

I have a lot of remorse and inner hate toward the people that should be my everything.

Most people talk about "family" . . . I see it as a fairy tale.

People talk about mom and dad, I shrivel away in shame because of the absence.

I have to resolve these things . . . not so it will help me because I don't really give a shit . . . But I know that Stella deserves so much more.  So I will swallow my pride and create a relationship with those that never cared an iota before . . . because that is what a good father would do.

Stella deserves a grandfather and an aunt and cousins and extended family.  Even if I was robbed of the same thing!!

It is not about me . . . and I am really starting to grasp that.

I refuse to be like my earthly father but I would die to be nothing less than my eternal Father.

Please continue to pray for me and those!!


Thursday, August 4, 2011

New Growth

I’m in the midst of the worst storm of my life.  And it’s a booger.

A pastor friend of mine a few years back told me that if things are going too easy for too long then you are too separated from God and that the ferocity of the coming storm would be like living hell on earth.  I didn’t understand what he meant.  I couldn’t fully comprehend the ramifications of his statement at that point in time.  My life was seemingly perfect.  I never desired for much but I was provided with way more than most could dream of.

My life was storm-less for way too long it turns out. 

My dependency on God turned to dependency on self.  I failed to walk with God and as such my life suddenly came crashing down.  It’s such a damn shame that it required such brokenness for me to turn back to the God that loves me.  For me to live the life that glorifies God and that acknowledges my utmost dependence on God.  To have life that is filled with the Spirit, a life that feels conviction deeply and desires to be wholesome in the eyes of my Savior.

This storm rages but I know that I face it not alone.

Although my happiness at this point in time is at its lowest ever, my soul is filled with joy and I know that the grinding of my teeth will eventually turn to smiles.  I know that on the back side of this storm I will be walking closer with Jesus.  I welcome the loss and the brokenness because of the new blooms of life that will sprout from it. My faith ensures that I will rise from the ashes.

My testimony continues.

I will take the things that He has entrusted me with and I will multiply them for His good and for His service.   I long for the day when I hear the words, “well done my good and faithful servant”.

If not for the awesome and undeserved Grace of God, this storm would be unbearable. 

Thank you God for loving me unconditionally. 

Thank you God for sending your Son to die for me.

Thank you God for providing your Spirit to live inside of me.

The Parable of the Bags of Gold