Friday, August 12, 2011

Forgiveness Part 1

This is the first post that I have not pre-written, read ahead, edited, and then wrote again.  I am typing this one, right here in the blogger window, so please bear with me; grammar, misspellings, and all.

I have come to the conclusion that for Stella (my 2-1/2 year old daughter) to be fully whole, then her dad must be fully whole as well.

I know that I am an amazing father and that I provide way more to Stella than most dad's could even hope to provide.  But . . . I still realize that I have forgiveness issues and that Stella will ultimately suffer from the issues that good ole dad has.

So . . . it is with every effort that I have from this moment going forward that I resolve the broken relationships in my life.

Like with my father that robbed a bank when I was 14 years old and spent over 23 years in prison; me never receiving a card or an apology for the wrecked life that I was facing.

For the aunt that took the oath of Godmother but yet turned her back on me when the shit really got bad, only to try to reform a relationship with me 23 frigging years later . . . after her good ole brother was released from prison.

I have a lot of remorse and inner hate toward the people that should be my everything.

Most people talk about "family" . . . I see it as a fairy tale.

People talk about mom and dad, I shrivel away in shame because of the absence.

I have to resolve these things . . . not so it will help me because I don't really give a shit . . . But I know that Stella deserves so much more.  So I will swallow my pride and create a relationship with those that never cared an iota before . . . because that is what a good father would do.

Stella deserves a grandfather and an aunt and cousins and extended family.  Even if I was robbed of the same thing!!

It is not about me . . . and I am really starting to grasp that.

I refuse to be like my earthly father but I would die to be nothing less than my eternal Father.

Please continue to pray for me and those!!


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