This is the first post that I have not pre-written, read ahead, edited, and then wrote again. I am typing this one, right here in the blogger window, so please bear with me; grammar, misspellings, and all.
I have come to the conclusion that for Stella (my 2-1/2 year old daughter) to be fully whole, then her dad must be fully whole as well.
I know that I am an amazing father and that I provide way more to Stella than most dad's could even hope to provide. But . . . I still realize that I have forgiveness issues and that Stella will ultimately suffer from the issues that good ole dad has.
So . . . it is with every effort that I have from this moment going forward that I resolve the broken relationships in my life.
Like with my father that robbed a bank when I was 14 years old and spent over 23 years in prison; me never receiving a card or an apology for the wrecked life that I was facing.
For the aunt that took the oath of Godmother but yet turned her back on me when the shit really got bad, only to try to reform a relationship with me 23 frigging years later . . . after her good ole brother was released from prison.
I have a lot of remorse and inner hate toward the people that should be my everything.
Most people talk about "family" . . . I see it as a fairy tale.
People talk about mom and dad, I shrivel away in shame because of the absence.
I have to resolve these things . . . not so it will help me because I don't really give a shit . . . But I know that Stella deserves so much more. So I will swallow my pride and create a relationship with those that never cared an iota before . . . because that is what a good father would do.
Stella deserves a grandfather and an aunt and cousins and extended family. Even if I was robbed of the same thing!!
It is not about me . . . and I am really starting to grasp that.
I refuse to be like my earthly father but I would die to be nothing less than my eternal Father.
Please continue to pray for me and those!!
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