Thursday, July 21, 2011
1 = 4 + WH
BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ . . . What the hell is that?
BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ . . . Is the noise I hear in the sound track of my dream.
BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ . . . I can’t remember the last time I dreamt such a vicious and terrifying sound.
BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ . . . My eyes pop open, I squint and cover my eyes trying to escape the beam of sunlight that is piercing through the cheap Venetian blinds. The sun is like a powerful laser that I can not escape.
BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ, BUZZZZZZ . . . There it is again, what a horrible sound, I quickly roll over to see my phone buzzing and vibrating on the edge of the nightstand, precariously close to tipping off the edge and landing on the carpet below. I grab it, just in time, and quickly silent the noise that is shrieking from its small but incredibly loud speaker.
What time is it?
I can’t remember the last time that the alarm clock woke me up.
I can’t remember the last time that the sun was creeping through the blinds as I opened my eyes and welcomed the day.
Slowly, it all starts to come back to me. Slowly, I start to remember the night before. Quickly, I realize that I did it again.
I let myself drink too much. My full intention was to drink one beer maybe two at the most but I ended up drinking 4 or 5. And I drink the good stuff, none of this Budweiser crap that is 4% alcohol, I go for the heavy, tasty beer. I usually opt for a good IPA which has a burly hoppy taste and a somewhat pungent smell. Real beer, beer that tastes great, beer with a stout alcohol content of 9% and above. One of my beers equals two of your beers. So, I actually drank 8 beers, all in the span of about 3 hours.
I choose not to drink on most occasions because of the way I feel the day after, I always feel defeated and a little broken. I feel like I have let myself down. I don’t like trying to recall all of the things that I may have done the night before. My memories are always skewed and are only really partially there. I hate having to apologize to friends and acquaintances for my possible behavior.
Most of the time I can control how much I drink and be socially acceptable, even socially delightful, but here lately, more often than not, I am finding that my control and judgment are secondary to my urge to numb. To numb the pain that I feel on a daily basis, the pain that I feel from the emptiness left inside of me since my wife left. Most days the pain is controllable and I lean on God for relief but there are some days that I choose to battle it alone. I mistakenly take God out of the equation and it's on those days that I always, ALWAYS, lose the battle.
I know that I must fully surrender to God in order to move on. It is the only way that I will receive full healing of the pain of my broken heart.
It’s tough but I’ll get there.
Oh yeah . . . the equation:
1 Beer turned into 4 Beers + a late night trip to Waffle House.
1 = 4 + WH
James 4:7 (TNIV)
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.